auditioning

Truth and the Pursuit of It - "If you're engaged in a fight with something, then it's not with me. It's with your own blindness." - The Crown

Yesterday, I had an epiphany.

To set the stage for it, I need to catch you up with how much the past few weeks have been. The place where I live is surrounded by massive, blazing wildfires. I finally got a serving job in LA, so I'll be making more money, which is pretty necessary. But until my first set of tips come in, money is still pretty tight for me. I got a callback for a really interesting play here, and while my confidence comes from within, it's nice to have that external validation that I am indeed a good actor, even if I'm not quite what they needed. It's the holiday season, which is one of my favorite times of year, and I am surrounded by cool new friends and great old friends and we're all having holiday parties. But I can't go home at all this year, and New York around the holidays is one of my all time favorite things, not to mention that I miss my family and friends there.

And, on top of and beyond all of that, last week a friend of mine from college died.

I want to take a moment here to remember her. Her name is Miriam. She and I worked together in the theater a whole lot, particularly with the Shakespeare group. She was always sweet and kind, she had this incredible zest for life, and this crazy amazing voice. We had fallen out of touch after graduating, but I would still see her on Facebook - she was an award winning screenwriter, and I admired the work that she was doing, and hoped that we'd maybe even get to work together one day. And it's shocking and upsetting to know that any chance we might've had at reconnecting at all is just gone now. People die every day, but the realities of it when it affects you are always surprising.

So yesterday, I was heading to an audition, and already felt like I wasn't going to get the role. I may be a good actor, but the character is a teenager and I knew I was auditioning with some actual 16 year olds. It's always good to practice audition technique when you can, but it felt like a lot of time to put towards this practice, and I was miserable, and there was nothing I could tell myself to make it feel better. All I could do was use the emotion - the character is supposed to be insecure anyway, so it's ultimately good, right? (For those of you who aren't actors, that doesn't actually help you feel better.)

The epiphany hit me like a freight train or, more fittingly, a speeding car: I don't like LA.

And that's okay.

There are people here who I care about a great deal. There are specific neighborhoods where it is pleasant to spend time. And I know I'll stay because the work I want to do is here. But as a whole, I just don't like it.

I didn't realize how hard I had been trying to convince myself that I do until I admitted that I don't. But now it feels like this incredible weight has been lifted from me. I don't like LA. And that's okay. And just acknowledging that truth makes everything so much easier and better.

No wonder we're all in pursuit of such obvious truth as artists. It's wonderful.

Good Things and How Did I Get Them?? - "Small daily improvements are the key to staggering long-term results." - Jeff Olson

I'm a pretty determined, stubborn person. And I am very, very good at getting things done - I'm good at pushing until it happens. So usually, when I hear people talking about submitting to the flow of the universe and how the path of least resistance is usually the best one, I think it's bullshit.

I also hate to admit when I'm wrong.

So it's a struggle for me to acknowledge that there are a few areas of my life where I just haven't been able to aim my focus over the past month or so, and suddenly each of those areas is going really well.

I decided that I needed to put more energy into making money, and I'm going on auditions almost daily. I decided that it's not even like I know that many people in LA so instead of being social, I would catch up on movies and TV I want to watch, and now I have so many social plans that I have multiple people trying to do things with me on any given weekend night.

Do you know how frustrating it is to know that there is nothing I can do to make this happen in other areas of my life, or to ensure that this keeps happening?

There's a certain point where some of these things come from habits that I maintain, and all I have to do is continue with those habits and the good things will keep coming. I read a couple of books a while ago called The Power of Habit and The Slight Edge, which were about basically that concept. Good things don't come from one big positive action. They come from little positive actions taken every day.

But there's also a certain point where I can't be making these people like me. I'm a lovely human, but no one is everyone's cup of tea.

So I suppose, for now, all I can do is be grateful I have these good things and auditions and people, and keep up the good habits that allowed me to get them in the first place.

Somehow, that doesn't feel like enough for the good things that are coming into my life. But I don't know what else to do other than appreciate them.