I've been doing this Advanced Industry Workshop at One on One for the past week or so. And it's been amazing. Between my classmates and everyone coming in to teach the workshops, I've met interesting, creative, and intelligent people, not to mention that I've just been having loads of fun. And it's also wonderful for someone as ambitious as I am, because I feel like I'm actually doing things and moving forward with my career. More than that, I am doing things and moving forward with my career! I love it.
But there's a certain point where I prepare for each workshop and I do the work for everything I'm going to present until I feel comfortable and I have faith in myself and I think "I am going to be undeniable."
And then I go in there and I'm, you know, fine. Even good! Even very good, sometimes! But not take-your-breath-away extraordinary like I know I can be.
Now, maybe I'm just being too self-critical. Maybe I'm better than I think I am - there was one CD for whom I performed who said that all I was missing was self-confidence. (An idea that's a little surprising to me, since I firmly believe that I am the shit, but perhaps it's in the difference between self-confidence as a human and self-confidence as an actor? But that's a blog post for another day.) Maybe it's because I regularly watch extraordinary performances, and my own self as an actor is different from theirs. As much as he stands out in My Week With Marilyn the same way I want to, I will never give a performance exactly like Eddie Redmayne's because I'm, you know, not him.
(Incidentally, since I drove us onto the topic of Eddie Redmayne with no small amount of force, have you guys seen the first photos from Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them??? This movie is going to take me out in the best possible way. I may be a good and moral person, but I am also absolutely certain that I would do morally-gray-verging-on-black things just to have an Under 5 in that series.)
But I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that there is always a gap between where any artist wants to be, and where they actually are. And, for the most part, I'd argue that it's good! It means that there's always something new to learn, to strive for, to keep us going as artists and as people.
Especially at this stage where I'm really closer to a beginner than the kind of pro I want to be, I know I'm not going to be 100% happy with any of the work that I do, though. And it's not like that's a reason to stop. I know I'm way too stubborn to give up on something with which I'm not fully satisfied! I'm gonna keep going and living my dream and all of that! Especially because I am one hell of a Slytherin and my ambition is incredibly strong and important to me. (The Harry Potter references are strong with me today.)
It's just bizarre to know that I'll never know how good I am. You know?